a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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