why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
