My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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