My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.