He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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