I hate your face
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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