hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
