I skipped work to stalk him.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
