some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
