John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
