mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
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There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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