Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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