Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
