This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
