If that was your dad, he is hot
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
