Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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