just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
