i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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