I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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