if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
