Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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