I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
