So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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