Texts From Last Night

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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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  (717): Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up. http://tfl.nu/3bej
  Replies (33) Good night (4575) Bad night (1617)
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  (631): View more from New York

  i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth

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  (631): i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth http://tfl.nu/bjm9
  Replies (16) Good night (1052) Bad night (4330)
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  (830): View more from Texas

  we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient

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  (830): we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient http://tfl.nu/vzth
  Replies (12) Good night (1280) Bad night (3662)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.

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  (505): Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath. http://tfl.nu/rm8d
  Replies (12) Good night (2931) Bad night (765)
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  (818): View more from California

  Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

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  (818): Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse. http://tfl.nu/0n19
  Replies (18) Good night (3521) Bad night (1038)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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  (802): I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel. http://tfl.nu/xk67
  Replies (11) Good night (2089) Bad night (685)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.

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  (908): She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible. http://tfl.nu/itsw
  Replies (7) Good night (656) Bad night (1097)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.

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  (+44): You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever. http://tfl.nu/s134
  Replies (12) Good night (917) Bad night (2477)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...

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  (859): I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud... http://tfl.nu/ip6k
  Replies (2) Good night (413) Bad night (644)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.

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  (727): She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit. http://tfl.nu/846j
  Replies (9) Good night (358) Bad night (1082)
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?

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  (418): Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me? http://tfl.nu/ltm0
  Replies (4) Good night (508) Bad night (649)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also, I found your gauge.

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.

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  (570): Also, I found your gauge. (570): I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy. http://tfl.nu/i63l
  Replies (1) Good night (492) Bad night (516)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me

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  (240): I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me http://tfl.nu/mac9
  Replies (3) Good night (737) Bad night (349)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor

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  (636): Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor http://tfl.nu/1h6i
  Replies (0) Good night (135) Bad night (263)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often

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  (513): conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often http://tfl.nu/fm0r
  Replies (1) Good night (357) Bad night (87)

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