So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.