i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
