some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
