No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
