I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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