Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
