Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
