I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
