i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
