3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
