I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
