Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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