Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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