Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
