It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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