I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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