She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
