I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
