I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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