I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
