Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
