Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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