Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
