Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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