I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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