Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
