someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
