Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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