my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
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and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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