i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
