I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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