I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize