i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
