just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
