Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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