You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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